Meet the Phlegm Machine
At least twice a year, I turn into what I can only describe as a phlegm machine. Once when the winter is just beginning, and again when it is packing its bags. Like clockwork, my body decides to audition for a one-person orchestra, complete with blocked sinuses, scratchy throat, and the grand finale — an unending supply of phlegm. It’s almost impressive, if you can look past the constant nose-blowing and the fact that tissues vanish faster than snacks at a family gathering.
In my younger years, this ritual annoyed me. Honestly, it was more frequent back then; at least 5-6 times.
It felt unfair.
Why me?
Why do I get cold several times a year without fail?
I would sulk under blankets, armed with ginger tea and a bad attitude, annoyed that life had paused while I fought a cold. Back then, I saw every sneeze as a personal insult, as if the universe had singled me out for misery. But with age comes reluctant wisdom. These days, I no longer treat my colds like a tragic event. Instead, I have accepted them as part and parcel of being human.
Think about it: our bodies are essentially complicated plumbing systems. Sometimes the pipes get clogged, sometimes they leak, and sometimes they decide to produce more liquid than seems strictly necessary. That’s what a cold really is — your body in overdrive, flushing out what it thinks is dangerous. The phlegm is simply evidence of a diligent immune system doing its job, though it feels like you’re carrying a portable swamp in your chest.
Now, I don’t claim to enjoy the process. No one really wakes up excited about a nose that alternates between Niagara Falls and the Sahara Desert. But I’ve stopped taking it personally. The phlegm machine is no longer my enemy; it’s my seasonal visitor, a reminder that winter is shifting, that my immune system is awake, and that my life, however inconvenient, is still humming along. Twice a year, I get my subscription renewed, whether I like it or not.
So, while younger me might have stomped around angrily at the injustice of catching yet another cold, present-day me shrugs, stocks up on tissues, and maybe even makes jokes about it. Because if you can’t laugh at the gallons of phlegm your body insists on manufacturing, then what’s the point?
Process of Becoming a Phlegm Machine
So let’s take a little detour into science, but don’t worry — no medical textbooks here. Think of your body as a small town that usually runs smoothly: traffic flows, shops open, and everyone minds their own business. Then one chilly morning, an uninvited gang (the cold virus) sneaks in. At first, the town doesn’t notice. But soon, the alarms go off — your immune system realises there’s trouble. That’s when the chaos begins.
Stage 1: The Invasion (a.k.a. Why You Suddenly Sneeze)
Cold viruses like rhinovirus are tiny burglars. They love hanging out on door handles, train poles, or the hand you used to shake someone else’s. Once they find their way into your nose or throat, they do what burglars do best — break in. They latch onto the lining of your nose and throat, slip inside your cells, and start multiplying.
Your body, being the overprotective security guard it is, immediately rings the alarm bells. Cue: sneezing, runny nose, scratchy throat. These are not random inconveniences — they’re your body’s attempt to flush the burglars out. Sneezing is basically your immune system saying, “All units, eject this invader right now!”
Stage 2: The Mucus Factory Shifts Gears
Now here’s where you start turning into the phlegm machine. Normally, your nose produces a small, neat amount of mucus every day (1-2 litres, yikes). Think of it as a conveyor belt that traps dust, pollen, or germs, and quietly sends them away without fuss.
But once the cold virus moves in, that conveyor belt goes into panic mode. Instead of producing a cup of mucus a day, your body decides, “Let’s flood the system!” Suddenly, you’re manufacturing buckets of the stuff. Why? Because mucus is sticky — it traps viruses, dust, and bacteria like flypaper. It’s gross, but it’s smart.
At first, this mucus is clear. But as your immune system’s army (white blood cells, especially neutrophils) rushes in, they release green-tinted enzymes. That’s when your tissues start producing yellow or green mucus. People often think green phlegm equals infection, but really it means your body’s defence squad is working overtime.
Stage 3: The Swelling and the Blockages
Remember the little pipes in our town analogy? That’s your nose and sinuses. When your immune system gets the call, those pipes swell up, making them narrower. This is why your nose feels like it’s been replaced with cement. It’s also why you sound like a cartoon character when you talk.
And then there’s the Eustachian tube — the little canal that connects your throat to your ears. Normally, it balances air pressure so your ears feel normal. But when it swells during a cold, it’s like someone has closed the valve on a pipe. Result: blocked ear, muffled hearing, sometimes even dizziness. Congratulations, the phlegm machine now comes with surround sound.
Stage 4: The Drainage Team (Coughing and Spitting)
If mucus stays in your nose and throat too long, it drips down to your chest. That’s when coughing kicks in — the janitor of your body, sweeping out whatever doesn’t belong. A cough is your airway’s way of saying: “Out, now!”
Sometimes the mucus in your chest is thicker, which is why you feel like you’re spitting up swamp water. Annoying? Yes. Effective? Also yes.
Why It Feels Worse Before It Gets Better
Here’s the kicker: most of your suffering is not from the virus itself, but from your immune system’s enthusiastic overreaction. The virus just sits there replicating, but your body goes full Avengers mode, flooding the battlefield with mucus, heat, and swelling. This is great for killing viruses but terrible for your daily routine.
The good news? A common cold usually burns itself out in 7 to 10 days. The body clears the virus, the alarms quiet down, and the mucus factory goes back to normal production.
Remedies: How to Help Your Phlegm Machine Run Smoothly
Now let’s talk about what you can actually do. Spoiler alert: there is no magic “cure” for a cold, because your immune system needs time to win the battle. But you can definitely make the ride less miserable.
1. Hydrate Like You’re a Plant
Mucus gets thicker when you’re dehydrated. Think of it like syrup versus water. If you drink plenty of fluids, your mucus stays runnier and easier to flush out. Soups, teas, warm water — all excellent.
2. Steam and Humidity
Steam is like spa therapy for your pipes. Inhaling warm mist helps thin mucus, soothe swollen passages, and sometimes even unblock your ears. A hot shower or a bowl of hot water with a towel over your head can feel miraculous.
3. Salt Water Rinse
A saline rinse or spray is like giving your nose a car wash. It clears out gunk, reduces swelling, and makes breathing easier. Plus, unlike fancy medicines, it has almost no side effects.
4. Rest (the most boring but most effective remedy)
Your immune system is like a factory on overtime shifts. If you keep running around, you’re only stressing it more. Rest lets the body direct energy towards fighting the virus, instead of your to-do list.
For years, I used to work even when I was down with cold.
Big mistake.
BIG.
HUGE.
Nothing works better than actually resting: shut your eyes, keeping your back straight and don’t let gravity work its charm on the mucus, just lay there. Because there’s added bonus of fever and body ache, generally, Lady Nap blesses you with company and you doze off.
REST, my friend.
5. Over-the-Counter Helpers
Decongestants shrink swollen nasal passages. Pain relievers help with the headache and fever. But remember: these don’t cure the cold — they just turn down the volume on your misery.
6. Grandma’s Classics: Ginger, Honey, Turmeric
Are they miracle cures? Probably not. Do they soothe your throat, comfort your soul, and make you feel cared for? Absolutely. And that in itself helps.
The Bright Side of the Phlegm Machine
Here’s the silver lining: every time you go through this, your immune system learns. It stores away little “wanted posters” of the virus, so next time it can fight faster. That’s why kids catch colds constantly while adults usually get fewer as they age — the immune system has built up a catalogue of mugshots.
So yes, turning into a phlegm machine twice a year isn’t glamorous. But it’s proof that your body is still running its defences, still working hard to keep you upright. If nothing else, it gives you excellent material for sympathy, jokes, and blog posts like this one.
Shabana Mukhtar