This morning I had a series of weird dreams.

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There were people gathered near a chowk in my hometown. I spent my childhood in that area, I guess that’s why I see that chowk very frequently in my dreams. Some people from that area, some were relatives. And sure enough, some people from my office. They were making fun of me. One would comment that she is from this locality. We are curious to know about her work profile. And people make fun of me. They laugh and said she does SAPI maintenance (API automation tool). Somebody else added that she does nothing because she has no technical expertise.

I am on a bike, going to some place. I ask the rider to stop, get down and go to fight with them. More like attempting to explain what I do, and what they are saying is untrue. But people laugh harder. They do not listen to me or even acknowledge my presence.

Of course, they can’t. Because I can’t shout no matter how hard I try. Because it is a dream.

That’s how you wake up from the dream. Trying to shout and wondering why you can’t.

How I decoded this dream?

This is a classic example of self doubt. Where does that come from?

Let me step back a little. A few weeks earlier, 13 February, to be exact, there was an incident. Some people were doing loose talk that “If you write good code, you don’t need to write tests. And no need to do TDD. TDD is crappy and useless. Peace to Kent Beck.

I do not agree to this argument. But that’s a different story. However, it was a little offending because I’m associated with TDD Initiative for my department. Yet, I did not take it personally. I did not invent this. And I am going to follow whatever helps me work more efficiently. Period.

Secondly, these were seasoned professionals, always deemed as most valuable contributors at organization level, not just our department. Such comments are not expected from them in first place. They’ve a good circle of influence. If they had such concerns about JUnits or TDD they should make everyone understand, including senior director up to the CTO. They should convince that we shouldn’t have “write JUnits, >80% coverage” as part of development process. But that needs guts. And nobody has it. So?

They bitch about it. During my fortnightly face-off with manager, he asked me about prejudice and loose talk at work. The managers are trying to make this the best place to work, you see, therefore these things matter. I told this incident to my manager. For me, this counts as loose talk. I did not name anyone. I am sure he got the idea who it was, though. He knows his people, for sure.

This Monday, I heard one of those seasoned professionals asking the other one if they have received comments of doing loose talk. You see what’s going on. First, they make a comment, since they can’t fight the superiors. Then when they are told they are doing something discouraging to others, they bitch about it again. As if to dare me to discuss this again with my manager.  Okay, this last thing is could be only a figment of my imagination.

My take on the situation, you ask? I will tell my manager that I will not talk about anything, anymore as I work with very old and very immature folks.

However, I am left with self-doubt, a lingering thought in my head that maybe I am not good at what what I do. Maybe I should quit and do something else.

***

Next, I saw that a friend of mine is telling me that his director has told him he’ll get a promotion and that he needs to work harder. Director also speaking to me.

We’ve been talking about the new work. Maybe subconsciously I want to work in that team.
***

I wish I could decipher dreams. Or maybe knew somebody who could.

Shabana Mukhtar