Something really strange has been going on with my stomach for about a month. Well, exactly a month now. January 23, I had to stay home as my stomach was hurting n I got loose motions. I got so terrified after frequent visits to the toilet, that I started watching my food intake. I try not to eat for as long as I can survive. If I do eat, I watch my portion. In one month, I’ve never had a full stomach. Ate only one-third of what I usually eat. This seem to have fixed the loose motions.

I hardly exercise. I used to walk, but not anymore. I sit in front of computer for about 10 hours a day. My only physical activity is a good 4 minutes walk, before boarding the bus and after alighting. That’s a total of 16 minutes. Only. I cook and clean dishes by my own. I do all the household chores by myself – laundry, dusting, floor cleaning, all of it.

Given my age, and my job, and my lifestyle; I thought I was eating enough, with the reduced portions and less frequent meals. I don’t know if that caused it, but for a week now, my stomach burns. Since past two days, it burns so much that I can’t sit or stand. Acidity, I assumed. And it was accompanied by severe back pain. The two may not be related, though.

I noticed that it burns more when I get up from chair or bed. I kept waking up all night (as it is I have trouble falling asleep). Tired of all this, I googled.

Here is what I’ve observed in last three years. Okay, a little background observation before that.

All my life, I’ve feared the word “cancer” a lot. Can I say that’s true for most of us? In 2015, my worst fear became reality when my mum was diagnosed with NHL of bone marrow. After that, I observe that every symptom of bad health, if you google it, can be linked to cancer, somehow. There are a zillion kinds of cancers supposedly.

So I was saying, I googled. It says I could have GERD, or ulcers or cancer. This made me anxious. By afternoon, my anxiety level rises and the burning sensation got so severe that I had tears in my eyes. I decided to call it a day. I took a cab back home.

8 hours later, trying to think if I should eat, and what should I eat. If I eat, there’s problem. If I don’t, there’s problem.

My stomach is one big confused mess.

Just like me.

Shabana Mukhtar