Suffocating relationships

If  the reader of this article is anything like the people I know, they will go “Haaaaw, does she have a relationship?” Yes, I am surrounded by judgemental people.

Get your minds out of the gutter, you pervs. A relationship may not necessarily mean a romantic or physical one. It could be with anybody, with whom you spend a significant amount of time.

As I keep ranting, I am a little bit hypersensitive (okay, severely). And sometimes, things go crazy.

For past couple of weeks, a colleague-slash-friend of mine and I, go out for a walk before lunch. Discuss things in general, and then come back after 15-20 minutes. This works up our appetite a little bit, gives us some fresh air, and a much-needed stretch to our software developer legs.

This afternoon is pretty hot (36 degrees celsius / 96 degrees fahrenheit). As we walked, I started to sweat. My friend was discussing about his new idea about generating more wealth doing what we do.

The sweat has resulted in itching. Now my friend is talking about implementation details of that idea.

After first round, my right leg started to feel numb. He is seeking my opinion and I am just blubbering. I have no idea what I said to him.

After second round. I announced that we will not do our regular 4 rounds, as I am having trouble breathing. My friend is unaffected by all of this. He is now talking about third phase of his idea.

After third round, he wants to continue the walk. My vision is now blurry. I am seeing dark circles, thanks to lack of oxygen due to troubled breathing. He is still going on and on. I am not even listening now. I am just praying that we reach our office as soon as we can. I am visibly in trouble now.

I entered the lift, took a sip of water, which tasted like Kerosene. I rushed to the washroom, poured a lot of water on my head (yes, in office washroom) and scratched my whole body like a monkey.

Why am I suffocated? This person knows me for twelve years. He knows about my breathing problem. I remind him of the signs that should tell him I am not okay. And when should he stop talking.

I was being a nice person. I let him talk. I did not ask him to shut up.

He did not keep his side of the deal. He does the exact opposite. Right now I am feeling that he does this on purpose. Maybe he wants me to suffer, and maybe die. But what benefit he get from that?

Maybe I should cut him some slack. Maybe I should cut him out of my routine.

All I can say is, this is one of those suffocating relationships that bother me. Dear god, give me strength to survive through it. Or maybe just enough guts to be honest and bold to break it off. Amen.

I am such a coward.

Shabana Mukhtar


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